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I was having lunch with friends at Wendy’s recently so over Frosty’s we talked about my ministry in St. Vincent.  After going through a lot of the normal questions one of them smiled and asked, “so are there any cuties on the island?”  When my response was to reach for another French fry she laughed and apologized for asking,  but the truth is I’m used to being asked questions like that, and don’t mind it at all.

That wasn’t always true because being in a relationship and eventually getting married  used to be a very big deal to me since all of my friends were getting married.  So when people asked a relationship question it just remained me of something I wanted but didn’t have…however today I use those questions to explain a padlock God has lovingly placed on my relationship gate.

Between bites of a double with cheese I told them that my calling to Missions had a lot to do with my being single.  There’s no doubt in my mind a job that doesn’t involve leaving family and friends for years at a time and entering other cultures would mean being married with a mini-van full of kids.  However it’s hard to find someone single who is called to missions and crazy enough to start over in a new culture (all missionaries are a little bit crazy)

Being a Missionary means my list of requirements for someone who will enter my relationship gate (start dating or going to get coffee) is a bit different than others.  Usually the list of questions you ask  before opening the gate looks like this;

1. Do I find this person attractive?
2. Are they saved and growing in the Lord?
3. Is this persons personality or likes and dislikes compatible with mine?
4. Do we have the same goals?

For a missionary other questions are asked;

1. How will they respond to not being with family for years at a time?
2. Are they able to adapt to a different culture?
3. What will happen when they cannot get things in the other country they are used to getting here?
4. How good are they at adapting to circumstances?
5. And most importantly are they called to Missions?

Apart from places that emphasize missions like Bible College it’s incredibly hard to find people who can meet these qualifications so in a sense missions places a padlock on my relationship gate.  This doesn’t mean I’ll never be married, but it does mean my relationship questions go much deeper than is she attractive?

Right after college I viewed that padlock as a curse since it eliminated many young women who I was interested in dating because they weren’t called to missions.  Some people believe that young women who are willing to become missionaries should be accepted as well but it’s my personal opinion both individuals in a couple should have a personal calling to missions.  It’s simply too easy to become discouraged in ministry and give up on missions.

In my late twenties there was an incredible temptation to remove the padlock of missions and begin a dating relationship with someone who I felt would be willing to become a missionary, but with the Lords help that padlock remained intact.  Today I am incredibly grateful for that because the same padlock I viewed as a curse is a tool for God’s Glory.

A few months ago I was speaking at a young adults meeting in Barrouallie about God’s desire that dating relationships should be focused on our future husband or wife.  A big part of this is being careful about who we even begin dating (open the relationship gate for) to honor our future spouse.  To illustrate this I told them about a girl Sandy (not her real name) who I was absolutely crazy about, but she wasn’t called to missions so we never even went for coffee (Sandy has a specific calling to something other than Missions).  The young adults were shocked one of them said “man why couldn’t you open the gate!  Maybe she will come to Barrouallie with you!” We ended up having lots of conversations in later weeks about whether or not I should have let Sandy into my gate, but it flowed into conversations about their own relationship gates.

In a way way seeing someone who by the power of God and with His help keeps a relationship gate padlocked showed them it was possible to be different than the unbelievers who let one person after another into their gate hoping each one brings happiness.

There are still days I’m annoyed by the padlock on my relationship gate but God gives strength and allows that gate to be a testimony for Him.  There may be a day when God brings someone into my life and that padlock is removed, but if I go to Heaven single that is fine by me…because that locked gate views singleness is a gift instead of a curse

A few years ago I began meeting with high school seniors once a week in a mentoring program.  Usually our first sessions would deal with practical things like being organized, how to study for a test, and using a to-do list so you don’t forget things.  As the weeks went by though a lot of our conversations started dealing with their personal issues outside of school.

I’ll never forget a student named Josh (not his real name) bringing up one of those personal questions at the end of a session.  I would end by asking if there was anything they wanted to talk about and his answer was usually a quick no, but that day instead of being his usual outgoing self Josh was looking down and absently picking a piece of the table.  Without looking up he quietly said, “yea man uh how do you ask a girl out?”

I couldn’t help but smile since he was asking a 38 year old single man a relationship question but that smile quickly faded after realizing Josh was actually expecting an answer.

We ended up spending about fifteen-minutes going over some basic principles about what to do when asking a girl out;

1. Make sure you aren’t too serious right away (his initial plan of flowers and a poem was quickly rejected)
2. Instead of going  on a date you take them out for something relaxed like coffee
3. The goal of this coffee is to learn more about the other person…not to profess your love
4. And most importantly you allow her to take the next step (give it some time after coffee before moving into a serious relationship)

Josh did appreciate these words of wisdom and we ended up having lots of conversations about what a relationship should  like, but the truth is I didn’t give him what he wanted.

Josh was looking for a roadmap for relationships that would look something like this;

• Step One:  Coffee
• Step Two:  Exchanging of phone numbers after third coffee
• Step Three:  First date after fifth coffee at which time relationship becomes “Facebook official”
• And so on

While having a step-by-step process in relationships would be awesome, the truth is such a roadmap doesn’t exist.  

That’s not really surprising when it comes to relationship books because all they can do is give principles that lead to healthy relationships instead of practical steps that works for everybody.  The interesting thing is we don’t find a step by step process for relationships in Scritpure either.  There are principles just like in the books and passages that teach on marriage (Ephesians 5) but nowhere does it say “thou shalt become a couple after the third coffee.”

Why is that?

There’s no doubt our dating relationships are important to God since marriage is a picture of Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:24-25) so wouldn’t it be easier for God to give clear steps that keep us from making a mess of things?  The truth is God hasn’t given a roadmap because He has something much better planned.

You see the Lord knows that relationship roadmap would become an Idol to us.  We wouldn’t physical bow down and worship it but that process would exert a huge amount of control on our lives.  Now instead of coming to God and asking Him what our next relationship step should be we turn to our trusty roadmap.  Even worse the focus of our relationship would be on keeping rules (emphasizing outer things) instead of following Christ (speaks towards heart and attitudes).  The best roadmap in the world would still rely on human strength or wisdom and at the end of the day it would be all about me instead of God.

So in love God refuses to give us the clear roadmap we crave but instead gives something much better….a person

Not just any person, but a person what has been chosen and set apart by God for you alone.

This makes all he difference;

• Now instead of focusing on steps to take I focus on the person God has chosen for me
• The knowledge God has chosen someone for me makes purity personal (I keep myself pure for her)
• Now the question isn’t “what does the roadmap say” (emphasizing works) I ask “how do I honor the person God has chosen for me (emphasizing purity)
• The question isn’t “who do I think is beautiful?”  But “which one of these men/women could be God’s Will for my life?

It would be simpler if God gave us a roadmap for relationships but it would lead towards a self-centered way of life…so in love He gave a person instead.